morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
#parenting
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter