If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.