Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
You Might Also Like
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?