(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
And then there were 4
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?