Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.