Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
How wrong was this guy?