scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Fight
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven