“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Breaking news:
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My inexpensive home security system…
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me