The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.