Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”