The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Hey i am sexy to you now
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
i wish all
whales
a very
big
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.