mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
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Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?