Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
the council will decide your fate
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The little toadstool has spoken.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”