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Bros before Ohioes
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”