[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
look at me when i’m typing to you
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.