Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today