‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.