I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
sin harder.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.