me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket