a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
DOOO EEEET
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS