you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
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[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here