Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.