Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade