Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.