*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
sugar glider wrangler
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish