I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
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“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
accurate
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW