I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.