If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
You Might Also Like
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “