black phone good
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journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus