My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
You Might Also Like
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too