One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.