me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
How software testing works
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”