My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Just a phase…
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.