Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Care for your back
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something