Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”