I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Current mood: Potato
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.