*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”