if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!