My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
why would tinder want me to say this
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse