Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Batman v Dracula
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.