[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye