breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You Might Also Like
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food