CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye