It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
dream blunt rotation
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
beware of dog
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.