I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)