there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
🔦🌙👣
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: