My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied