i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.