I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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I am crying
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
In banana years, I am bread.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…