Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Somebody call the cops.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.